Life Observations

- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.