The Seriously Funny Joke Thread

[RichieO]

I went to see my other shrink this morning, I told him I was concerned that I had started talking to myself again and I didn't know why,
he said " to put it in layman terms you're a fruit and nut case,
No,No, come back, I was only trying to be a smartmouth, smartarse like you,
the real reason is, nobody else will".....   

[RichieO]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"




.... So they walked past it again...

[RichieO]

Went to a newly opened club last night, friendly lot in there, after the first few introductions,  Patrick Fitzgerald, Gerald Fitzpatrick, Michael Fitzsimon, Simon Fitzmichael, I made straight for the rear exit.... 

[Clanky]

A little old guy goes to the doctor...

"Doc, can you give me a prescription for half a Viagra tablet per day please?"

"Sir, I'm afraid at your age half a Viagra tablet won't give you a usable erection, in fact you may need 2 per day"

"Son, I'm 87 years old, I don't need a usable erection, I just want it to stick out far enough to stop me peeing on my shoes"

[RichieO]

A woman goes into a shop and says’ “ I’d like a bear rug” the guy strips off and grabs her,
she screams the place down, he says
 “what’s the problem, didn’t you say you’d like a bare hug? ”

[RichieO]

Charlie and Camie were going at hammer and tongs for about a minute and a half,  when he stops suddenly, "what's wrong now", she asks,
he whispers in her ear, " we have arrived " 

[RichieO]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has
only 24 hours to live.
 
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
 
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
 
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
 
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
 
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
 
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
 
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
 He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
 'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'
   She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls
asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 hours left.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
  Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[✈ Elle ☀]

HIlarious!

[RichieO]

This is so seriously unfunny but there is nowhere else to put it, expect plenty of pointers on that, OUCH....

There is a referendum in Ireland on the 31st May, the government wants a ‘yes’ vote for the EU fiscal Union, they say it’s vital for getting further funds in future etc, etc, but if you read between the lines,  it reveals the true nature of it, this will allow them to make statements like;

We do not want to impose any more austerity measures, as this will make us even more unpopular with the idiots that voted us into power, so the EU parliament will be able to do it for us, then we can say, it’s not our fault, our hands are tied and don’t get mad at us, get mad at the EU parliament ….

Unfortunately we won’t be able to vote ‘NO’ as we will be in PB.  What a crying shame…..       

The funny bit is;  It won’t make the slightest difference what the outcome of the vote is, Ireland will have to fall in line with whatever the rest decide, thanks to the Lisbon Treaty….

What another waste of taxpayer’s money!

[RichieO]

Dad, will you PLEASE stop referring to my boyfriend as a lecherer, he’s a  lecturer.