Author Topic: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread  (Read 52831 times)

Offline RichieO

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #945 on: August 17, 2014, 16:03:22 PM »

I was talking to a faecal matter analyst the other day, I said "and I thought MY job was shoite...
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Offline smokie

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #946 on: August 17, 2014, 23:18:59 PM »
It's jigsaw makers that really have their work cut out.

Offline Jimgallaher

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #947 on: August 27, 2014, 15:21:47 PM »
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.

"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

"Hello" he says.

"Alright" say the other lions

"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion

"Not bad" say the other lions

"Food ok?" enquires the new lion

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
Klaatu barada nikto ! Misma mierda, diá differente.
You can't outrun a maniac.

Offline smokie

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #948 on: August 28, 2014, 14:15:01 PM »
I like the idea that when you go to the "assisted suicide clinic" in Switzerland they give you Cheerios for breakfast.

Offline Flash

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #949 on: September 17, 2014, 16:36:11 PM »
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good
news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five
crabs in it.

"Gee-whiz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I
get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and
pull her up again".
Be happy, communicate happiness.

Tramp the dirt down.

Offline RichieO

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #950 on: October 02, 2014, 13:15:23 PM »
She said:  "well, the camera always puts a few pounds on you."

He said: "F.F.Sake, how many cameras does it take for one picture?"

So, I said to him, "when did you get out of hospital."



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Offline RichieO

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #951 on: November 20, 2014, 17:38:30 PM »
When Paddy said he has a problem with his gable,

I said, "I didn't even know you had a bull"....
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Offline ModElle Citizen

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #952 on: November 21, 2014, 22:44:20 PM »
Oh ffs Richie!!

But yeah... I laughed ;) xxx

Offline RichieO

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« Last Edit: March 28, 2015, 13:35:34 PM by RichieO »
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Offline ModElle Citizen

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #954 on: November 23, 2014, 00:37:28 AM »
Blimey!

Offline RichieO

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #955 on: February 16, 2015, 11:31:46 AM »
Probably my last post on this thread... Or maybe not!

                              The Noine Comendmants
                                  (In Brummie)

1. Dow evan fink abowt lookin at anuver God, roite!
 
2. Dow get mekin eny idles, roite!

3. Dow tek the p*ss outa me,  roite!

4. Dow forgit whaa day it is, roite!

5. Dow ignor yer mom an dad, roite!

6. Dow kill eny1 (unless them troi it furst,) roite!

7. Dow shag eny1's missis, roit!
 
8. Dow nik enyfin, roite!

9. Dow tell yer rottun lies to eny1, roite!

10. Same as 7. roite!
« Last Edit: April 07, 2015, 16:48:36 PM by RichieO »
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Offline Jimgallaher

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #956 on: February 23, 2015, 16:24:03 PM »
I'm f@cking ROFL texted Mr. Harris's dyslexic cellmate  ::)
Klaatu barada nikto ! Misma mierda, diá differente.
You can't outrun a maniac.

Offline Jimgallaher

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #957 on: March 05, 2015, 23:07:11 PM »
Some one liners.

 I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

 I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

 My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

 I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

 People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

 My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

 Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

 My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

 I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

 The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

 My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

 Say what you want about deaf people...

 I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

 I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

 I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

 I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

 People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

 You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

 Whiteboards are remarkable.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2015, 23:09:41 PM by Jimgallaher »
Klaatu barada nikto ! Misma mierda, diá differente.
You can't outrun a maniac.

Offline RichieO

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #958 on: October 01, 2015, 18:12:15 PM »
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress  party!”
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Offline RichieO

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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #959 on: October 06, 2015, 14:06:05 PM »
I believe thaot Donaldo Trumpo is a count,
and I admiot to putting “o” in words
weore they doont bolong…
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Re: The Seriously Funny Joke Thread
« Reply #959 on: October 06, 2015, 14:06:05 PM »